I could have said it was the Darth Sidious of scenes, because that dude was just pure evil, but just like Darth Vader had some redeeming qualities, I suppose this scene had...um...well, the only redeeming quality is that it helped me understand a lot better what one of my characters had been through.
I didn't want to write it, but the stupid thing was right there, poking me obnoxiously, threatening to slice me up with the lightsaber if I didn't write it. (Translation: when I need something expelled from my brain, it's best to write it, because then it's out and free and it leaves me alone.)
This scene isn't even going to be in my book. The effects of that scene and the aftermath of it, yes. This is pretty normal--I write things all the time not knowing if they'll ever be used, just because I need to get the scene out. Sometimes I'll write it at full-blast intensity and then pick what I need from it and figure out how to tweak it for the tone of that particular book.
As I said, it helped me understand the suffering of this character. It also helped me figure out what some steps toward healing will be. I'm big on moving toward hope and healing--but I sometimes break characters quite a bit before that comes.
I kind of wonder, what does it say about me that this could have come from my head? Then I go, I think it means I'm a writer.
I can't bring myself to actually look at this scene. I can't bear to see those words. I'm not even sure how I wrote them; they just poured out, and then they were done.
It's okay if I can't look back at it, because it's over and I don't have to think about it anymore. And after I wrote it, I went straight into writing a different scene of future help/healing/happiness, because I couldn't leave that awful moment suspended there.
My writing has taken me to some very dark, uncomfortable places. It has also taken me to some very happy, but still uncomfortable places. (And it's taken me to some flat out happy places, but that's not the point of today's post.) I've had to learn a lot about breaking outside of my bubbles. There have been times my beta readers/CPs have nudged me outside of my comfort zones and pushed me to do better, to give more, for the sake of the stories and the characters. I've found that when this happens, I tend to dive full-in. It's kind of all or nothing. (Which is why the next beta readers then have to go, "Um, Laura, this is a bit too much." And then I rewrite more and find a balance.)
It all comes down to the characters. If I'm not willing to let them be themselves, to explore their pain and their joy, even if I cringe at it, how am I going to be able to to do justice to their story? But it can be very hard, and exhausting, and take a lot out of a writer to portray that pain.
How do you deal with writing your characters' agony? Has a character ever pulled a scene out of you that you couldn't stand to look at afterward because the thought of what was suffered was too terrible? *waves hand* This is not the run-on sentence you're looking for....
Writing is a strange thing. After I write something, I look back at it (weeks, months later) and think 'Wow! How did that ever get into my head?" The characters are who they are. In real life, there are also people we meet, whose past and pain is unbelievable... so why wouldn't characters be the same way? Not everything in real life is honky-dory-dory either.
ReplyDeleteExactly! There was even a time I found a random sentence I'd written in a separate file and it was really dark and creepy--and I had no idea what had been in my head at the time.
DeleteI SO write like that all the time!! And I love that it was a Darth Vader/Star Wars analogy. Nothing earns bonus points with me like Star Wars :D
ReplyDeleteI loved this post a lot. Like, a lot.
How do I deal with writing the hard stuff? I apologize to them. And then I carry on writing. Sometimes it leaves me in a day-long funk, but I can't honestly say I've written anything too extremely hard yet.... I'll let you know when it happens though!
Balance Achieved.... I'd love to find that one day ;)
Glad I'm not the only one!
DeleteOh, I apologize to my characters all the time, too. "I'm soooo sorry!" *grimace* *keep writing* This was the first scene I've ever written where I didn't want to look at it afterward.
Thank you! ^_^
I tend to underwrite thing the first time. If it's a hard scene it is often more like an outline of what needs to happen, then I flesh it out. I think that helps me not get overwhelmed. Or maybe I'm too nice to my characters and readers will be bored. *grimace* I'll find out when it goes to betas this month.
ReplyDeleteI think I used to be nicer to my characters. I used to be known as the "nice writer" in my writing group. HAAA. Yeah, now when my writer friends are talking about how evil they are to their characters, they go, "At least I didn't burn down an orphanage!" (Because I kind of did.)
Delete"At least I didn't burn down an orphanage!" LOL! Imagine if writers could be arrested for the "crimes" they committed on paper...
DeleteLOL!! Some books would probably be very, very boring. ;)
DeleteI've never written anything TOO hard to handle. I did have one entire book that tortured me the entire time I was writing it - these characters, they were just bundles of misery, and the process of getting from misery to peace was agony (and, according to my betas, soap opera-y at first, which, again, is why we have betas!), but there was nothing too tremendously ugly to write. I didn't even want to write it, but they would. not. leave me alone until I got them out - and I've never heard from them since. Thank goodness. I'm uneasily certain the horrible scenes will come someday, though.
ReplyDeleteOh, I totally hear you! That would be my characters right now--they've been through SO MUCH and trying to sort through how to get them to even a semblance of peace is ridiculously hard. One of them is a lot easier; I think a lot of his healing happened when he was younger, but my others...yeah.
DeleteHysterical! I always feel a little strange reading back over my work when tears come to my eyes. I feel like slapping myself and saying, "You knew what was coming!"
ReplyDelete~ Wendy
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only who does that!! I can only recall crying twice after rereading something I wrote, and they were both for the same character--who, coincidentally, happens to be the subject of this horrible scene I wrote. That poor, poor character.
DeleteI had to kill a character once, and I really, really didn't want to. I loved him so much. (I still love him, as you know.) But I knew he had to die. He had to die for his own sake and he had to die so the main character could make the choices she did later. But I really, really didn't want to kill him. So I ignored my story for a good two months, until I got more frustrated with not writing than I did by the prospect of writing his death.
ReplyDeleteIt was not fun to write, and I'm not looking forward to rewriting it in the near future.
I want a Death Star cookie now, please. :p
That's one reason I just jumped in and wrote it. I was like, "If I put off writing this, it's not going to leave me alone, and I don't want it in my head. If I just get it out and over with, I can move on."
DeleteAlso, your character = T_T
*hands over Death Star cookie*
It's really cathartic to write those scenes sometimes, and if they help you understand a character better or the reason why you're writing the novel, then it's all to the good.
ReplyDeleteHoping your next encounter is with Yoda. :D
Cathartic would be a good word for it! I think in this case, too, it helped me with some future scenes, too, and I think those will all be pretty cathartic, too.
DeleteHEE! I hope that's my next encounter, too. :D Yoda Scene would be awesome.
Thanks!
Soemtimes it's good to push a character too far so you, the writer, can pull it back. I don't think that's wasted time. Love the picures. May the Force be with you. :)
ReplyDeleteJust this. I think there will be things I can take from this scene--if not the writing, then the emotions for things the character will face later.
DeleteI've had characters whose pasts were terrible. But for me, it's more like those parts of them are already there and when my characters trust me enough, they tell me their past. So I feel more like a therapist than an author dropping evil pasts on her characters. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I love the idea of you feeling more of the therapist than an author dropping evil pasts on your characters.
DeleteI might just be evil with my characters. Ok, not evil, because I like to give them satisfactory endings, if not happy. But before that, BRING ON THE PAIN. It makes me love them and want to get them out of that sad spot and into a happier place.
ReplyDeleteExactly!! I think the pain can make the joy that much more poignant, but I wouldn't wish these pasts on ANYBODY, let alone characters I like!
Deleteour characters need history, good or bad. you're right, it shapes them and we need to know why they act how they act. we need the deep dark truth! even tho we make it up =) mwa ha ha!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how real characters become, isn't it? As horrible and sad as some things are to write, it can be really interesting to see how they overcome the horrible things.
DeleteFor some reason I like those scenes the most. I think b/c of the emotion that is present during them.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of emotion present during those scenes--I usually really like writing them, good or bad, but I think it was just that this scene pushed me into a new realm of horribleness.
DeleteNow I'm curious about what the scene was...but kind of in that "not sure I actually want to know" way.
DeleteThis is something I struggle with. I don't want to let my characters suffer... and in the past, I don't think I've delved deep enough into the emotion to bring it past the page, to make the reader care. Hopefully I've learned my lesson... only time will tell, LOL. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously fun post... those pics had me laughing out loud! :D
Delving that deep can really hurt. I didn't used to delve so deep--or if I delved deep in some areas, I barely touched others. Hopefully I've gotten better, too. ;)
Delete:D Thanks!
In a far, distant time, I was where you are now, Laura. I just couldn't write certain scenes. Some of them I put off, but only because of their difficulty, or because I've only got a rough draft and I need to fill it out.
ReplyDeleteAs a writer, you'll get used to the nasty, ugly scens you may have to write. It's part of your job (every job has the bad aspects as we all know). Once you keep on practicing those scenes, whether you use them or not, you'll get used to having to do them.
Good luck!
Thanks for the encouragement, Lorelei! There have been some really dark scenes I've had to write, but this was the first one that pushed me this far. One of the things about being a writer--constant growth!
DeleteLAWL! Your drawings are almost as awesome as Allie's over on Hyperbole and a Half. ;)
ReplyDelete-Jeana
Aww, thanks, Jeana! :D
DeleteI think you may be my similarly-named alter ego!
ReplyDelete1 - we're both named Laura;
2 - we both love Star Wars;
3 - we both torture our characters
4 - and then wonder what the heck is wrong with our heads! ;)
I find it difficult to write scenes where characters have similar problems to what I have had to deal with or am dealing with in my own life. It hits a little close to home. Sometimes I'm like, "YEAH! Writewritewrite! Get it out!" and others I'm like, "....why....?"
I have only made myself cry twice: one when I killed my favorite villain. Lol. Two when I was writing a *happy* scene from the protag's *happy* childhood...and then realized what I was going to do to him later. :'(
Yay for similarly-named alter egos!!
Delete(I do love Star Wars. My son has a name from Star Wars. Some people thought we were nuts, but I loved the name sooo much.)
Ohh, some scenes are definitely harder to write than others! One of the two times a character made me cry, it was because I put her through a traumatic scene, something absolutely, profoundly terrible, and then got to the end and there was this line that showed that she was only twelve years old, and I was like *CRRYYYY* "She's so YOUNG! What have I done!? I'm sooo sorry, bb!" (Of course, twelve years later, in present-day story time, she's all "I can kill you with my brain." Er, sorry, that's not my story. I mean, "I can kill you with my knives!"
Heh. After writing about his happy childhood, I still put said character through hell later. He gets out of hell, but...I still feel bad because, at the end of the book, he hasn't "healed." Changed, yes. Healed, no. But it ends with the idea that, with time, healing will be possible.
DeleteYou should do a post on healing in stories! :) (Or do you already have one?)
I think that's the case with some characters--healing might be a lifelong process; they can continue to heal, but there are still effects of what they've been through.
DeleteI haven't done a post on healing! I should totally do that. (I might be able to make use of Yoda after all!)
I physically tortured a character in a recent short story I wrote, and I actually got emotional, not during the torture, but when she thought maybe she was going to get out and was fighting for it. (Is this the run-on sentence you were looking for?) It was that hopeful desperation and urgency of the scene that got me.
ReplyDeleteShannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z
Oh, that would break my heart! That feeling of almost-hope, and then it's crushed? (At least, it sounded like you crushed it.) Writing is so emotional!
DeleteOMG, this was hilarous! I love your doodles!
ReplyDelete:D Thank you!!
DeleteThis was so spot on! (Fantastic drawings btw) "I think it means I'm a writer!" --loved it!
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's nice to know that so many other writers deal with the same sort of thing.
DeleteMy characters always boss me around. I let them. After all, they know better than me.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point. :D
DeleteThanks for stopping by my blog and signing on as a new member. I'm happy to return the favor. (How could I NOT, when your blog has such a cool background?) Great post, by the way.
ReplyDelete:D Your background is very cool, too. ;) Thank you very much!
DeleteYour thought about, "How did this come from my head, and what does it say about me?" is something I think happens only when you're truly locked into a story or character. Why? Because it didn't come from you at all, it came from the character or story. You've completely given yourself over to the Dark--er, uh imagination--and your writing is reflecting that. A good thing!
ReplyDeleteLove the drawings!
EJ
Oh, that's a great way of looking at it. Thank you!
DeleteI had a scene like this too. I was writing, and thought, "What if I did THIS horrible thing?" And I was appalled that it came out of my head. But the thing was, it was exactly what needed to happen in the story. Yes, I basically sent my main character to the tenth circle of hell. But you're exactly right-- if we're not willing to explore even the bad/sad parts of our characters and stories, we're not doing the justice.
ReplyDeleteLOVED the cartoons by the way. Had me laughing out loud. :)
Exactly--sometimes the story needs it or sometimes the character has just suffered and it's part of who they are.
DeleteThank you! ^_^
Yeah I do write scenes like that every now and then, and yes, I do believe those scenes make us writers. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one! Writing is rough sometimes.
DeleteI haven't had to write about a character (I think I know who) that's gone through this much. My tender hearted hubby would die to read anything like that but be offended if I didn't let him read it. Good thing I haven't had to, yet. A friend of mine is a romantic suspense writer and there's a murder mystery to solve in her books. She's had people question what kind of person she is to think of that stuff.
ReplyDeleteUm. Someone who watches the news. Someone who knows people experience things like this in really life. Um. A writer.
It's funny, because I'm the kind of person who cringes at horror movies and literally can't watch scenes of torture or anything like that--I just CAN'T. So when I write things that are really horrible, it's like "WHAT. HOW. WHYYY." But yes, it is very much being a writer--as others have said in these comments, being able to just follow the characters and the story, kind of get outside of ourselves, in a sense. I can't believe your friend had people asking what kind of person she is! There are SO many murder mysteries out there.
DeleteI write certain things, or realize I need to write certain things sometimes, and think "oh my gosh. People will read this. People I KNOW will read this. FAMILY and FRIENDS..." But...I need to tell this story, and do justice to these characters, and I can't shy away from that. Even if the thought of people I know reading some things is kind of very scary. ;)
You know, I've certainly thought this ('what's wrong with that guy?') when reading Stephen King or listening to Pink Floyd. Now I understand it a lot better. Just because it comes out of your head doesn't mean it's YOU. A terrifically-described torture scene (physical or mental) doesn't mean it happened to YOU (or was done BY you). I think that was one of the reasons I was so hesitant to let my wife read my work.
DeleteExactly, Jeff. It was just really hard for me to get to the place where I could let go, because some people might not understand that it's not me. But...I still have to do justice to my characters.
DeleteI cried when I wrote one character's backstory/character study. Cried a lot. But, it helped me as he wove in and out of the story line. Good post!
ReplyDeleteAww! I've cried twice for a character I've written (I cry a lot more when it's not my character, LOL). Both times were for the same character for whom I just got through writing this Darth Vader scene.
DeleteWow, that must have been a pretty hectic scene! I wrote a flashback scene once of some of the terrible things a character had done. I only touched on some of those terrible things, but it was still hard to write. Like, how can my mind come up with such horror? Surly it's not healthy? But, I don't know. Like you say, that's never the end point. You've got to get your characters out of their dark hole, so there's hope pulling you along.
ReplyDeletePS. Love your little pictures :-)
Yes, exactly! The hope pulling me along is the only reason I've been able to get through some of this horrible stuff.
DeleteThank you!
I FREAKING LOVE THIS!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI loved your drawings, too.
So, I know you've mentioned to me before about letting my/your characters be themselves and not pressing MY sense of morality on them. I can't tell you ENOUGH how much it has stuck with me...and the more I write, the more I'm emboldened to just, well, LET THEM BE. Appreciate them for who they are, rather than forcing them to be more like I want them to be. And you know what? It does take you to dark and uncomfortable places, and those happy places, like you said, but the end product is SOOOOOOOOOOO rewarding.
Thanks for blogging about this - such a fabulous reminder.
Thank you! :D
DeleteI've had to be emboldened to do the exact same thing--and I find the more I do it, the easier it becomes. But it makes THEIR story so much more what it needs to be, doesn't it?
I notice your cartoon self WAS eventually converted to the dark side by Darth Vader. I wonder what this says about our writer selves. Do we have to embrace the dark to fully understand our characters, our plot, our theme?
ReplyDeleteProbably. I just hope there really is a cookie afterwards.
"We have to embrace the dark to fully understand our characters, our plot, our theme"
DeleteWow, that says it PERFECTLY.
I think sometimes we have to fully delve into whatever our characters' lives are, and sometimes they're really dark. But it's not easy to wade through it all.
DeleteI hope there's really a cookie, too!
Thanks! ^_^
No. But you've just cemented my intrigue with your book. I love backstory. (Not to mention your hilarious illustrations)
ReplyDeleteCatherine Denton
Aw, thanks!
DeleteBackstory is sooo helpful! Especially with some characters; I don't think I've ever written more backstory than I have with my current set of characters.
I think I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes we feel like our characters are real people and the only reason they go through something traumatic or horrible is because, well, we made them! LOL. It's almost like some of the terrible scenes in movies that you really don't want to see so you cover your eyes. Except when it's in your head, there's no shielding from it. Looking forward to your post for the origins blogfest!
ReplyDelete"Sometimes we feel like our characters are real people and the only reason they go through something traumatic or horrible is because, well, we made them!"
DeleteThis, EXACTLY! I've learned enough to know that even though I'm the author, I don't always have a say in what the characters do...which sounds odd, but that's just how it works.